so, uh, obviously i'm kind of bad at this whole blogging thing. i haven't even wrote in my journal since i've been home and i know i'm going to regret that... it's always during the best times of my life i slack on writing things down. at least i remember to take a few pics now and then right?

let me tell ya, i have REALLY been enjoying life at home. I feel spoiled and i DON'T want to leave in a few short days... truth is, i've always been mostly a homebody. i like to be home, with my family, in the bed i've grown up in, cooking meals with my mom, having my brothers come home from school, hearing my dad whistling. of course, i like to be free to do what i want as well. i like spending time with alex. i like that we're from the same town. its really going to be hard leaving again, especially this time for 2 years...

oh! he got his mission call: houston, texas east mission, english speaking! part of the mish is in louisiana and he reports february 20th, a few days after his 20th birthday. its going to be super hard... but i know its what he needs to do. i know people in texas need him and i know he needs the experiences of a mission. two years seems like an awful long time...especially when i have no idea whats in store for me. i don't know what to do for a career or anything.

i think i'll go on a mission. i'm serious guys.

i know i don't seem like the type. i'm shy. i'm scared. i hate speaking in front of people. i don't like to call attention to myself. but for the past few months it's been in my head.

i first thought of it when sister missionaries started returning to blanding. i had a good feeling when they spoke in church, i almost cried. then my branch president asked me if i had thought about serving a mission. i had. but then 21 was still the magical age for ladies. i kept thinking that over, but 21 was later than i wanted to be leaving.

and then president monson announced that the age was changed to 19. i could've cried. it seemed like remarkable timing. an answer to prayers of many sisters i'm sure...

one night i sincerely prayed and asked and believed i would get an answer. i opened my scriptures and read about a mission. it applied perfectly to me! the next morning i was getting ready for school and saw one of my binders on the floor. it was an old one my mom gave me to put my stats notes in. i had never paid any attention to the cover before. but that morning it seemed like heavenly father spoke to me. you see, one of my big concerns of going on a mission is leaving my family. a lot can happen in a year and a half and if anything happened i wouldn't want to be half a world away. well that morning i looked over and read the words, "mission first, family always." i know heavenly father needs to shape me into the person i need to be, and i can't help thinking maybe someone out in this world needs me. needs me to show them the gospel, show them true happiness. i don't feel like i am qualified, but then this quote always comes to mind...

 

maybe, just maybe, this girl can do wonderful things.  i want to change lives. i want to change myself. and i know that's only possible with the lord's help.

i have never thought of a mission before. but now, it seems like its the right thing. i have a feeling my children are going to enter a scary world with so much darkness and temptation. it wouldn't hurt to have two returned missionaries for parents right? my future babies need a righteous, strong mother to teach them, and a worthy priesthood holding father to guide them. 

i guess when it comes down to it: the gospel is true. and the whole world needs to know it. and i want to be a part of that.

these past few months have been amazing. i've cherished them and i never wanted it to end. i know i have to grow up now, but it doesnt make it any easier going away to an unfamiliar place i've never seen, surrounded by lots of unfamiliar new people. will they like me? will they accept me? will they try to get to know me? i hate uncertainty.

i love my family. i love alex. being here, its all i need.

it's been the best year, and i'm excited for the future.

nervous & scared? yes, of course.

but all the same excited for new adventures.

i'll miss this boy more than words can express.

thank you for always being there, no matter what. 

i believe in you.

lots of packing to do... lots of plans to make... big travel day is thursday.

and then my life will change. 

but some things always stay the same :)

and waiting...

alex turned his missionary papers in! 

 

and now we're just waiting to find out where he goes for the next two years! :)

 (the suspense is killing me! haha)

seriously though, i couldn't be any more proud of this boy. a year ago this weekend he decided he wanted to be baptized, which honestly kind of shocked and scared me at the time. but the day of his baptism was one of the best of my life, i knew he was making the right choice. i could feel the change in him after he came up out of the font. all his sins were forgiven and he was clean through the atonement of Jesus Christ and the ordinance of baptism. and then he recieved the Holy Ghost. and then he got the priesthood. and passes and blesses the sacrament. and goes to the temple. and is in the elder's quorum presidency. and strives to go to church. i'm so proud of all the things he's overcome and how much he has grown spiritually this year. i know missions are hard, and sometimes scary, but i know he can do it. and i know, somewhere, people need this boy. wherever he gets called is the place he is supposed to go. God doesn't make mistakes. and though it's gonna be tough, i am willing to let him go and serve the Lord for two years.

and maybe, just maybe, i will go and serve as well...

for now, we're waiting patiently (somewhat) :)

Being home.

so it's been awhile. 

i've been home for almost 2 months now, and for the most part life is good. which would explain why i haven't blogged.

time goes so fast. i just want to stop, make it slow down, hang on to the seconds.

i keep thinking its not enough, not enough time to make a difference. not enough time to enjoy, to make memories, to study, to sleep. never enough time. especially never enough time with the people you love. 

it's been hard for me to balance everything: the gospel and church activities, studying and homework, spending meaningful time with my family. spending time with alex. everything deserves and needs my time, but its hard to split it all up and balance and make sure everyone gets fair and equal attention.

school: what i say when people ask how school is going, "it's going." cuz that's the truth. it's stressful, it's time consuming, its irritating being up half the night not understanding standard deviations and z-scores (the joys of stats). but i'm pushing through, and for some reason this quarter good grades matter to me even more. i push myself and then kick myself when i get less than what i think is perfect. i'm not really a fan of school... at least my psych class is interesting.

my family: i love my family. and i know i may not show it often enough or in the right ways, but i love being with them and i want to be with them forever. we're not a perfect family, we've got out struggles, but i know we are here together to help, protect, love, counsel, comfort, and provide for each other. where would i be without my parents? where would i be without my brothers? the hugs, the conversations, the random jabber and teasing, playing games, making dinner, people who care about where i am... i'm going to miss it. i love living at home way too much. and i worry about my family when i'm gone.i guess thats the ultimate trust, letting God watch over them.

alex: i dont want to seem too mushy, but this guy is great. this is not infatuation, this is not like giddy 14 year old crush. this is real, this is sincere. this is a guy who takes me as i am, doesnt want or try to change me. this guy is hold me while i meltdown and sob in his arms. this guy is holding hands walking together. this guy open doors and buy my food. this guy is go out of his way to see me. this guy is we are going to church unless we're dying. he is safety, he is acceptance, he is peace, he is happiness, he is home. this guy is willing to try, willing to help. this guy will accept my help. we will talk through things. he is the best friend i've ever had and ever will have. i'm serious, this is deep. i didnt know i could love someone like this, i didnt know i could love someone as much as i did my family. when i'm weak he makes me stronger by encouraging me and telling me hes proud of me. he just doesnt see all the flaws that i see in myself. 

the hair that's thinning by the day. the messed up tear stained mascara everywhere runny nose face after i've cried. the extra pounds, the lack of muscle. every imperfection i see, i truly dont think this boy sees it. he thinks i'm the most amazing person in the world. even on the days i feel at my worst, he loves me and sees me for me. he doesnt judge. i know i can count on him and that he will help me in any way he can. and i would do the same for him. 

he's not exactly what i imagined i would want. and i think a lot of people think the same thing. but at the same time, he's so. much. more. i am so glad he is alive and he is here with me today. 

Spiritual stuff: ever feel like you're falling? ever feel like you're failing? ever feel like youre swimming upstream? Me  too. I'm so lost right now.. what am I supposed to do the next two years? what does Heavenly Father need me to do? I have no plans, no particular field of interest as far as a career and its really starting to get to me... should I go on a mission? why do i feel so far away and distant from people in the branch and my Savior? Does God really hear my prayers?

I guess I know to that last question. He does. I can't deny it.

I just feel like I'm so alone sometimes. Desperately reaching out. But everything is black.

Sometimes i wonder why all these things are happening to me? why now? 

Heavenly Father, please make me strong enough to endure.

And so with the little rough patches, being home is close to perfect.

I'm so glad I have a little more time here.

 

 

Every day is a blessing.

sunday reflections.

recent events have had me reviewing this past year.

and i've realized just how thankful i am to be where i am today. i'm grateful for the choices i made that led me here and that Heavenly Father could reach me.

i spent hours praying through the trials of my senior year of high school. it seemed like my situation would never end, that it would never get better. but i found comfort through prayer and hoped for a better future.

in august last year EVERYTHING got better. i had a job. my friend became active in the church again. i met my best friend alex, and that boy changed my life. and i still had my family and the gospel. i was happy, i was content, life was good.

moving 1000 miles away from home is tough. and i kind of fell apart at the seams and forgot what and who were really important. 

but my beliefs and standards were tested, and when it came down to it, i just wanted to feel clean again. i wanted my relationship back with God, and with my best friend. so i broke off unhealthy ties, even though it was really hard, and found forgiveness and repentance. 

well the kid i was hanging with has been put in jail. twice. for possession of drugs. 

i just feel so bad. i mean, i did care about him after all and wanted the best for him. but apparently he thought he was too far gone and a lost cause to try and get help. i just want to shake him and ask him if this really was what he pictured for his life, his future. 

at the same time, i feel so blessed. grateful that i KNOW who i am and what i want in life. grateful that i got out of that situation when i did. i feel terrible that things went that far to begin with, and sick that i hurt people during that time period. where would i be today if i hadn't stopped and assessed myself? it's something i don't really like to think about...

i am happy to have a testimony of the gospel. that the book of mormon is true. that God really is there and hears our prayers and is mindful of our circumstances. that the priesthood power is real and that there are worthy men that hold it. that families can be together forever, death cannot separate us.

i just wish people could see that. see that they can have happiness and that it is never too late to come back. come back to Christ. He loves us, and that will never change. 

most of the time, i don't feel worthy of the atonement. but i feel so grateful that Christ suffered and died for me. and you. and everyone. every day i need His grace and mercy. whether i mess up and make a mistake or just feel lonely, i know it is there for me. i know He is there for me.

i found this video while browsing through talks on http://www.lds.org/?lang=eng. 

lots of good stuff on there. 

"However many chances you think you have missed, however many mistakes you feel you have made or talents you think you don’t have, or distance from home and family and God you feel you have traveled, I testify that you have not traveled beyond the reach of divine love. It is not possible for you to sink lower than the infinite light of Christ’s Atonement shines."

coming to an end.

well my time in this town is rapidly coming to an end.

last night was my last shift at the restaurant. it's the longest i've had a job, so it's kinda weird. i don't think it has really sank in yet. 

my mom will be here tomorrow to help me pack and clean and take me home in a few days. 

we're having a big party tomorrow at my grandparents with a lot of people and a lot of food. i was recruited to make cakes.

 

i made three of them this afternoon. i was a busy baking lady.

 yeah, i need to learn how to make cake from scratch...

 

 finished products. i didn't get a picture of all 3 together.

mmmm chocolately goodness... who can resist that? ;)

i'll miss this place. 

most of all i'll miss the people.

but i think i'll adjust pretty well to being back home :)

basic introductions

I am so awkward with introductions. I never know what to say about myself, so I guess I'll keep this simple. 

I'm just a girl, on the brink of becoming a woman. Trying to find myself and working at creating the person I want to be. My future is all up in the air right now. I just take it day by day. 

I like baking, crafts, decorating, photography, makeup & hair-- Explains why I have a Pinterest addiction right? ;)

I like sunshine and spending time in nature, being barefoot and country music-- hence why I named this blog after Josh Turner's "Time is Love." It's so true.

I love being a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter- Day Saints, it makes me so happy :)

I love hugs & laughter- lots of it! And I love my best friends and family, they mean everything to me. That's why spending and making the most of time with them is sooo important. Time is Love.

My forever family- Oregon Coast 2012 :)

My bff. This girl has been in my life for 7 years now, through ups and downs. Almost complete opposites, and we still get a long like sisters. Love ya girl!

This is my best friend in the whole world. And yes, we are complete goofballs and have so much fun. He knows exactly how to make me laugh, calm my fears, and helps me to be a better person. I love this guy.

This blog is about my life & my adventures :)