we are all beautiful

Just so you know in advance, this post is going to get real. I don't know who even reads my blog, but I hope it helps and inspires the people that do. I try to keep things uplifting for the most part because I prefer to focus on the positive in life and count my blessings. I have been given much in life and have been incredibly blessed with a good family, the opportunity to get an education, and the glorious truth of the gospel of Jesus Christ. 

But guys, life happens. No one is perfect. We all face trials and challenges. We all got problems, lets be honest.

We can sit and pick each other apart, judge one another, look down our noses at each other. But that would just be silly cuz we're all fighting a hard battle. We just have different problems, different weaknesses. I prefer to help raise each other through problems, to be understanding and compassionate and have a loving heart. And I pray that you will be that way towards me. 

Because this is my blog, and I keep it mostly for the sake of me remembering how I feel and thoughts I had or events that occurred, I feel like it is appropriate for me to talk about something that has been affecting my life for the last month or two.

In high school I wrote an essay about the media and self esteem. I talked a lot about eating disorders. I talked about the ridiculousness of the media giving girls a false sense of what they should look like. I talked about treatments. 

I never thought I would be one of those girls.

At the time, I was chubby. A little overweight. But at that point it didn't bug me because I never thought I'd be a skinny little girl, I didn't think I was built right for it, I guess I didn't care.

And then I lived in Utah for the greater part of last year and starved. You think I'm exaggerating? Most days I ate one meal a day. Dinner. And that was either at my grandparents or my shift meal at work because it was free. Don't ask why I didn't buy groceries, I don't know. Trying to save money, buying food alone is boring, I had more important things at hand, I'm really not sure. But to say the least, I lost about 30 pounds last year, which put my at a nice weight for my height. And I liked the way I felt, started actually liking to buy and wear cute clothes because I felt like my body was attractive for the first time in my life. 

{Do NOT eat one meal a day- it isn't healthy. If you want to lose weight, eat a balanced portioned diet and exercise. Trust me, don't starve yourself, the health effects aren't worth it}

I came home and I was a buuusy girl. Between boyfriend, family, and college classes I didn't have time to be bored or worry about eating. I learned to eat meals again, and while it wasn't a whole bunch, it still was more than I had been used to. And it was pretty healthy most of the time. Life was good.

Then I go away to college here. And I think I'm doing pretty well with what I eat and watching my weight, eating more veggies and fruits than half the college kids I know. Well... the first thing I notice in February is that I don't have a period. It wasn't just late, daysss go by and it never comes. And I think, what the crap there's no way I can be pregnant. Then I start being lightheaded, dizzy, and lacking energy. My mother finally makes me go to the doctor the beginning of March.

Guess what?

I was underweight.

Whaaaaat? 

I'm a pretty tall girl and I weighed 115 lbs. Thats less than my roommate who's 5'2."

Here's the even scarier part... I still thought I was fat. I would look in the mirror and my stomach, in my eyes, would still be sticking out too far. I would get in the shower and be disgusted with my body.

Now everyone wants me to gain weight. And I have. And I get that I need to gain a few more pounds, but I'd like them to be in muscle, not fat. But with everyone pressuring me to eat so much I somehow got out of touch with my body and can't figure out how to eat right. It's.not.fun.

My food problems continue.

I can't figure out when to eat, when I feel hungry, what to eat that will be nutritious, or how much to eat. I can't figure out what a good portion size is. And then, there's the really humiliating part...

Please, bear with me. And be understanding.

There are points where I cannot control how much I eat. In other words, I binge. Something snaps in my brain and while I know I should stop, I physically can't. I keep shoveling food into my mouth as fast as I can, anything that is in sight, particularly really unhealthy things. In mass quantities. When I am alone. And then I am stuffed, my tummy hurts sooo bad and I hate myself. Seriously despise the fact that I could not control myself. It usually leads to tears, tears of regret and hurt. 

I do not purge either. I just feel like a lousy scumbag. And for awhile I was in denial about this whole thing. But lately I've realized, this is something serious and it is real and needs to be worked through. It's harmful and unhealthy. Its a binge eating disorder. And I'll try to figure it out at home with my family, but if I need it I'll have to get medical help. I think it can be corrected with family support and being busy. Its just right now, I'm alone so much and eat alone so often that I feel helpless. Yet another reason I need to go home. I need to fix myself. Because I feel disgusting.

And yes, I am writing this because I binged tonight. And maybe, I'm not alone in this. There has got to be other girls in the world that have this problem. And all of us, we just need some help and support to get back on track again. Even though I feel like a fat cow and am so ashamed of my actions, I know that my Heavenly Father still loves me and that I am still of great worth and have much to contribute to the world. 

No matter the shape or size of the body, we are all beautiful. 

And we are all daughters of God capable of becoming strong, confident, and courageous women.