and waiting...

alex turned his missionary papers in! 

 

and now we're just waiting to find out where he goes for the next two years! :)

 (the suspense is killing me! haha)

seriously though, i couldn't be any more proud of this boy. a year ago this weekend he decided he wanted to be baptized, which honestly kind of shocked and scared me at the time. but the day of his baptism was one of the best of my life, i knew he was making the right choice. i could feel the change in him after he came up out of the font. all his sins were forgiven and he was clean through the atonement of Jesus Christ and the ordinance of baptism. and then he recieved the Holy Ghost. and then he got the priesthood. and passes and blesses the sacrament. and goes to the temple. and is in the elder's quorum presidency. and strives to go to church. i'm so proud of all the things he's overcome and how much he has grown spiritually this year. i know missions are hard, and sometimes scary, but i know he can do it. and i know, somewhere, people need this boy. wherever he gets called is the place he is supposed to go. God doesn't make mistakes. and though it's gonna be tough, i am willing to let him go and serve the Lord for two years.

and maybe, just maybe, i will go and serve as well...

for now, we're waiting patiently (somewhat) :)

Being home.

so it's been awhile. 

i've been home for almost 2 months now, and for the most part life is good. which would explain why i haven't blogged.

time goes so fast. i just want to stop, make it slow down, hang on to the seconds.

i keep thinking its not enough, not enough time to make a difference. not enough time to enjoy, to make memories, to study, to sleep. never enough time. especially never enough time with the people you love. 

it's been hard for me to balance everything: the gospel and church activities, studying and homework, spending meaningful time with my family. spending time with alex. everything deserves and needs my time, but its hard to split it all up and balance and make sure everyone gets fair and equal attention.

school: what i say when people ask how school is going, "it's going." cuz that's the truth. it's stressful, it's time consuming, its irritating being up half the night not understanding standard deviations and z-scores (the joys of stats). but i'm pushing through, and for some reason this quarter good grades matter to me even more. i push myself and then kick myself when i get less than what i think is perfect. i'm not really a fan of school... at least my psych class is interesting.

my family: i love my family. and i know i may not show it often enough or in the right ways, but i love being with them and i want to be with them forever. we're not a perfect family, we've got out struggles, but i know we are here together to help, protect, love, counsel, comfort, and provide for each other. where would i be without my parents? where would i be without my brothers? the hugs, the conversations, the random jabber and teasing, playing games, making dinner, people who care about where i am... i'm going to miss it. i love living at home way too much. and i worry about my family when i'm gone.i guess thats the ultimate trust, letting God watch over them.

alex: i dont want to seem too mushy, but this guy is great. this is not infatuation, this is not like giddy 14 year old crush. this is real, this is sincere. this is a guy who takes me as i am, doesnt want or try to change me. this guy is hold me while i meltdown and sob in his arms. this guy is holding hands walking together. this guy open doors and buy my food. this guy is go out of his way to see me. this guy is we are going to church unless we're dying. he is safety, he is acceptance, he is peace, he is happiness, he is home. this guy is willing to try, willing to help. this guy will accept my help. we will talk through things. he is the best friend i've ever had and ever will have. i'm serious, this is deep. i didnt know i could love someone like this, i didnt know i could love someone as much as i did my family. when i'm weak he makes me stronger by encouraging me and telling me hes proud of me. he just doesnt see all the flaws that i see in myself. 

the hair that's thinning by the day. the messed up tear stained mascara everywhere runny nose face after i've cried. the extra pounds, the lack of muscle. every imperfection i see, i truly dont think this boy sees it. he thinks i'm the most amazing person in the world. even on the days i feel at my worst, he loves me and sees me for me. he doesnt judge. i know i can count on him and that he will help me in any way he can. and i would do the same for him. 

he's not exactly what i imagined i would want. and i think a lot of people think the same thing. but at the same time, he's so. much. more. i am so glad he is alive and he is here with me today. 

Spiritual stuff: ever feel like you're falling? ever feel like you're failing? ever feel like youre swimming upstream? Me  too. I'm so lost right now.. what am I supposed to do the next two years? what does Heavenly Father need me to do? I have no plans, no particular field of interest as far as a career and its really starting to get to me... should I go on a mission? why do i feel so far away and distant from people in the branch and my Savior? Does God really hear my prayers?

I guess I know to that last question. He does. I can't deny it.

I just feel like I'm so alone sometimes. Desperately reaching out. But everything is black.

Sometimes i wonder why all these things are happening to me? why now? 

Heavenly Father, please make me strong enough to endure.

And so with the little rough patches, being home is close to perfect.

I'm so glad I have a little more time here.

 

 

Every day is a blessing.